Heaven's Mind Book Series: DID YOU CALL ME A NARCISSIST?

Well, Thank You!

Hello HMAT Readers!

It is 12:30am EST on Wednesday 12/13/17.

I just fully recovered from a migraine headache that began a week ago with a vengeance, diminished over the weekend, and then resurfaced Monday afternoon. Now that I am feeling much better, I decided to write about something that has been weighing on my heart and may have even been the trigger to my migraine.

I was recently told (by someone I care about) that I am a narcissist.

“I know right”? That's exactly what I said, "WAIT, WHAT?!

I was told that I "lack compassion and empathy, and that I only appear to care about myself".

My next response, "THANK YOU!"

To be honest, I had gotten that a lot since I had open heart surgery in 2012 (see my previous blogpost entitled, "In the World, But not of the World").
The person looked at me in total disbelief and thus, my saga begins...

Look, for the first several years of my life I was sexually abused. I never told anyone, in an effort, to protect the abusers and I concluded that the abuse was an expression of love (having witnessed adults willingly engaged in and actually enjoying the activity). During family get-togethers, the adults would ask me to sing as a form of (their) entertainment and I was ALL IN, and even learned to love the attention so much that I joined church just to sing in the choir.

As a teenager, I was forced to babysit "Bae-Bae" kids (my little brother and two nieces) without pay. When I learned I could earn money French-braiding hair for all the little girls on my block, I used the money to throw them parties, Easter Egg hunts, and even sponsored "Penny Candy Day". Oh, and then at the tender age of 16, I delivered my own little “Bae-Bae” to attend to. So, now I am a baby trying to take care of a baby!

Later, in life after having another baby and gaining a husband, I decided that I needed more people to need me, so I went back to college to become a nurse. My first year of nursing school ended with me having yet another baby, who of course, needed me too.

Then, I discovered that my 1^st husband did not need me anymore. And, my father (an alcoholic) whom I was also caring for, didn't need me anymore either. Therefore, I decided (at least in my mind) that all the babies at Riley Hospital needed me during my pediatric clinical rotation in nursing school. I seemed to gravitate toward those infants and children who were the most neglected by their parents and families. I even thought I would proceed in establishing a career in pediatrics, but I figured I would end up in jail at some point. You see, I strongly felt an urge to take the babies home with me or beat the shit out their parents. Yeah, neither of those solutions would have ended well for me or the children (not to mention my own); so, I opted to begin my nursing career (post-graduation) on an adult medical/surgical unit at a hospital that did not even have a PED’s unit.

I still didn't have enough people to need me so, I became a minister just after graduating from nursing school. Not only did the church need me as a choir member and minister, but they needed me to start a "Kids Kamp", a "Breakfast Ministry"; remodel the sanctuary, women's bathroom, fellowship hall, and kitchen. They also needed me to redesign the Pastor's office, join the gospel group, and start a Women's Ministry to facilitate the needs of needy families in the community.

Eventually, I decided to get another husband (who had a lot of potential) to be my next project. You see, he needed me too! Of course, I had to convince him that he needed me, by showing him ALL my skills, talents, and abilities, as well as, remind him of my ever growing nursing salary. You might say, I purchased him at a discount price with plans to redeem great rewards from my investment.

During all those years, my focus was on everybody else. Meeting their needs and deciding that if they looked good, felt good, ate good, etc.…; it would cast a shining reflection on me. You know what I am talkin' about...

My goal was to become a combination of Abigail and the Proverbs 31 Virtuous Woman. Like Abigail (1 Samuel 25) I was on my way to being that "woman of high socioeconomic status" and like the Virtuous woman, I wanted to be "praised in the gates", and prove my "worth to be far above the price of rubies".

You see I developed a “NEED TO BE NEEDED” complex at a very early age. “Uh Huh”.

However, any reputable psychologist would label me as demonstrating co-dependent behavior as evidenced by “people pleasing - going out of my way and sacrificing my own needs to accommodate those of other people”.

Well, one day I looked up and everything was gone. Two husbands, three sons (now men), the ministry, the choir, the gospel group, the kids kamp, the breakfast club, the women's ministry, and my sanity.

It took an additional two years, two psychologists, one psychiatrist, three anti-anxiety medications, Lunesta, Vybrid, Lisinopril, Vodka, FMLA, three men-friends, and a spiritual guru, for me to finally realize that I NEEDED ME!

You see, I adopted a belief that my value was defined by how and what I did to please other people (whether I wanted to do it or not). I had never learned how to say NO and not feel guilty about it. I made decisions based upon how it would impact other people. I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and I wanted everyone to like me. I was so sick that I purposely and intentionally sought out people to fix, to heal, to feed, to need…. Me.

And, the church taught me how to stay “busy being busy”. I made certain there was never time to feel sorry for myself, to examine myself, to criticize myself, or even really look at myself. Oh sure, I bathed and dressed nice (for an obese woman), got my hair and nails done to look like the part of the successful woman, wife, mother, and minister I had created in my mind. The woman, for whom every wrong she ever made in life was righted by giving of herself continually unconditionally.

Oh! But Baby, when I woke up…

Everything about me and life was beautiful!

It took me 45 years to learn to love and appreciate EVERY ASPECT of myself. I have learned to give to myself. I have learned to honor myself. I have learned to satisfy myself. But, most of all, I have learned to say YES to myself; and to others, NO when I mean NO and YES when I mean YES. And finally, I have NO room in my life for a worthless emotion that humans refer to as GUILT.

For the last five years IT HAS BEEN about me (call it excessive if you choose) but I continue on that path of self-discovery even today; while for 45 years it was about everything and everyone else. So, I just may choose to take 45 more years to get back to the middle, to the center, to rediscover balance, or as the ancients call it, MA’AT!

The reality is this, IAM self-aware (conscious) and IAM interested in me and I admire the gifts, talents, abilities, experiences, and knowledge imputed in me. It is this awareness which enables me to willingly, generously, and confidently share myself with the world. With each breath I take, I desire to infect with love, to have my smile be contagious, to cause an epidemic of harmonious laughter, song, and dance, and to provoke beautiful mind transformations in pandemic proportions through the writing and sharing of words, sound, resonance, vibration and energy. After all, it is what we are created to do and IAM offering my portion to the fullest!