A Daughter of My Own 

CeleXy

I have always wanted a daughter.

A beautiful little girl, that I could treat the way I treated my dolls.
Comb and style her hair. Pick out her clothes. Dress her up like me. Enroll her in Brownies, Girl Scouts, Ballet, the best private schools; and, just basically show the world my mini-me.

I was pregnant. I prayed and prayed for a girl. Yes, everyone told me to pray for a healthy baby. I let them pray for the healthy baby and I continued to pray for a girl. I had a boy. He had gorgeous hair, gorgeous eyes, and grew up to have a gorgeous smile in spite of his thin lips. However, he was not a girl.

I was pregnant (again, eight years later). I prayed and prayed, and prayed for a little girl. The religious mind I was developing screamed for me to pray for a healthy baby. I ignored the screaming and I prayed for a little girl of my own. I finally gave birth, after an amniotic transfusion and discovering I was two weeks overdue. My baby had defecated inside the womb and was immediately referred to as a “high risk” delivery. An emergency cesarean section was ordered and I gave birth to…

A “Benjamin Button” looking boy (due to the drying out of his skin while in the womb two weeks too long). Though his face featured enormous beautiful eyes and long eyelashes that put a woman’s lashes to shame and he possessed a perfectly shaped head as a result of avoiding the birth canal; HE was not a Girl!

I was pregnant (for the last time three years later). First I was angry. I didn’t want to be pregnant. I was finally losing the weight from the second baby and didn’t even like my husband at the time (Yeah, IAM still wondering how I got pregnant that time). Yet, I found myself nonetheless praying for a little girl of my own. I  prayed and prayed, for seven months I prayed.  And on August 25, 1994, I gave birth to the twin of the first child (Deon). Lovely hair, lovely eyes, and an infectious smile. And though, the older brothers were excited to welcome this new baby into the world, he was not a little girl for Mommie!

I dressed all three boys alike for years despite their age differences. I ensured they had a fresh haircut every two weeks, from the best barber in town (my younger brother also a male version mini-me). I changed careers to earn more income to give them the best life the world's money could afford.

For My Three Kings…

Home cooked meals. A stay at home Mother. A religious Mother. Private schools, baseball, basketball, football, honor roll and birthday parties for every significant age. My reward on Mother’s Day,  “We love our Mother because she feeds us”. They would respond when I asked, ”Why”.

They grew up, they graduated, they moved out, went to college, moved in with Dad. While I, now a divorced and remarried mother was still without a daughter of my own.

Years later, my oldest son (Tyrone) marries his very pregnant girlfriend. Her mother deceased years earlier, her grandmother transitions just before the birth of their child. On April 1, 2009, I was gifted with two attractive daughters of my own. An adult and an infant. Chekeda and TiNiya. Thanks to my oldest King; a Queen and a Princess for Mommie!

Together they became the daughters I never had. Chekeda, born under the same astrological sign as me, Cancer, and choosing a career in Nursing just like me, became my 1^st mini-me. And, TiNiya, the extraordinarily stunning little girl with curly yet long black hair, a contagious smile, and a personality which warranted her the name “Miss Missy” was my 2^nd mini-me. I was her sitter for an entire blissful and uninterrupted year. Together these two young ladies remained the joy of my life. Until…

My second son (David) married Jasmine and they gave birth to JeLise on March 26, 2015. I could not believe my great fortune! Thanks to my middle King; another Queen and Princess for Mommie!

From No Daughters To Four Daughters!

Jasmine the perfect petite compliment to my son and who entered my life, just as I became more liberal and spiritual but not the least bit religious, she enjoyed the freedom of building an organic relationship with yet another mother. While "Leesie Butt", became my newest obsession. She had the cutest little bald head, requiring the infamous "headband aplenty" (she hated them and always pulled them off) and eyes for DAZE. I mean her big almond shaped eyes could melt the snow caps of Mount Kenya!

Well, and then there is still yet my youngest son, King Deon, who remains single and childless while continuing to be the gift he is to us and the world. A fabulous son, brother, brother-in-law and uncle!

I used to wonder how, I manifested the daughters I never had in spite of giving birth to all male children? Kedy Bae, J, Niya, and Leesie, my beautiful, talented, and intelligent daughters. And they love each other too!

Kedy Bae

Niya

J

As I write this blog, my heart is overwhelmed and my soul leaps with joy; realizing my beseeching prayers were merely waiting for me to affirm my power and simply pleading for the chance to be fulfilled. And, proving to me that the HOW and the WHEN are irrelevant when it comes to manifesting our desires.

Leesie

Call It What You Want!
What the heart conceives, the mind will achieve. Every unseen thought becomes material manifestation in its own time and by its own means. Pure focus and pure energy need never be continually present because the Eternally Internal Universe inside of me was always aware of the desire (inside of me) from day one.

The question non-verbally asked of me was, “Does it matter how the daughter is delivered to you and does it matter when"? And my non-verbal response was a categorical and unequivocal “NO”!

Though not born of my womb, they are just as much mine as the women who bore them. Because I recognize them to be just as much my gift as they are to their families and the world.

It is this version of thought, that has gifted me not only with daughters but sisters in the absence of my biological sister (though I see you daily – Patrice Munsel Johnson, aka Treacie), fathers in the absence of my biological father (though I hear from you daily – James Monroe Toles, aka Jeronimo), friends in the absence of friends (though I know you are always there when you are required to be there).

It is this version of thought that reminds me that everything I desire in this human realm is only a thought away and that WHEN is always NOW.

No matter the rate in which the hands on the clock move, nor the number of days it takes to make a week, a month, or a year; my thoughts are yet manifest in the instant that they are birthed into the material realm. The turn around time for each manifestation is always NOW!

The emotion tied to the relationships I have with my children, my family, and my friends have no facts to be connected to, no weight that can be measured, and no statistics to provide proof of its existence.

This emotion called LOVE is the realization that a connection exists that extends beyond Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn, YouTube, Snap Chat, and any other synthetic or humanly constructed form of communication.

Yes! This LOVE CONNECTION is ethereal, spiritual, and both within and beyond the realm of the Universe. This LOVE CONNECTION is and will always be present, even when the earth, the universe, and the galaxies cease to exist and only the darkness remains. There you will find LOVE in the midst of the darkness. And it is this LOVE from which new life, relationships, and connections will re-establish themselves over and over for a time and a times.

I have always had a daughter to call my own and I will always be the daughter to call my own; for the All is One and the One is All.

For Ever!

For Always!

For Love!

CeleXy

 Hello Readers!

My name is CeleXy and IAM currently living a "non-traditional" lifestyle with an emphasis on Arts and Culture in the Mid-West region of America. IAM  a singer, writer, and artist (it seems) since birth! I started my transition from a socially acceptable lifestyle in 2008, upon enrolling in Interior Design classes. Prior to my awakening, I was a wife and mother of 3, registered nurse, and Christian Minister.

What I adore about writing...

The ability to freely express my thoughts, fantasies, dreams, and realities. The authority to share my experience, knowledge, talents, and skills. The opportunity to encourage, educate, enlighten, and advise. And the power, to facilitate elevation in ways that confound the wise. I adore writing because it enables me to be me and share me with you and us to reciprocate our ENERGY!

I launched CeleXy DeZign, LLC in 2012, while continuing in my role as a Nurse Case Manager (off and on for the last 5 years). Since then, I have performed (Live) with multiple bands in various venues throughout the city and elsewhere, launched CreaTive X-pressions (original songs and poetry), N-Spirational Pillows (hand-made pillows with penned inspirational quotes), HUEmanUnity (a Cultural Community Initiative), and (now) the Heaven's Mind Book Series (Transformational Literature by CeleXy).

Heaven’s Mind A Trilogy (The Novel) and Stepper Love: A Journey Into The World Of Steppin was recently released on CreateSpace.com and Amazon.com. IAM also currently working on Searching for Be-Linda, Changing Seasons: A Love Story, SOLincognita, and The Conscious Nurse: In Black & White!

IAM looking forward to reading your feedback, comments, words of encouragement, advice, and constructive criticism; knowing that you are as much a part of my transformation, as my pen is to paper!

Wholeness!

CeleXy

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1979252882

https://www.amazon.com/author/celexydezign

Why You Envy Creative People

 “IAM energized to run to the top of every mountain and shine bright “like a diamond”. 

So, put on your shades and stop throwing them at me.”

For as long as I can remember, I have always doodled with pen and paper. Whether it was drawing flowers and female faces or writings lyrics to a song (recorded or original). Doodling was an outward expression of my inner experience. The doodling evolved into singing in the church choir at the age of five and entering the drawing contests found in the back of many young teen magazines or daily newspapers. As a result of singing, I also became an avid conversationalist. Many of my relatives would borrow me for road trips to keep the driver alert and awake. You see I had developed a knack for making up stories and asking questions about topics way above my school grade. 

As I got older, I discovered additional ways to express myself; which included sewing, baking, and crafting. When  I was around seven years old, I received an “E-Z Bake Oven” for Christmas. I began baking cakes for everyone in my family until they grew tired of eating the cakes. A few years later  I received my first sewing machine, the “Sew Perfect” and began making clothes for my dolls. By the time I was in junior high I had learned to cook an entire meal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, as well as making an apron, shorts, and a shirt for myself thanks to our Home Economics courses in Junior High. 

There was even a period when I permed, washed, and styled hair for my female family members; planned community events; and started a kids and women’s ministry in my church. 

Today, I still operate in many of those gifts. I sing with a local band and in my Spiritual Center; IAM a published Author; I write and record original songs and poetry; IAM an Interior Designer; I also design and make pillows, aprons, tabletop art, and custom headboards. However, I stopped baking once my kids were grown and gone. 

Every one of these talents, gifts, and abilities were my way of dealing with hurt, pain, and turmoil as well as, celebrating joy, gratitude, and love. It has never been about showing the world what I can do, but more about sharing with the world IAM willing to do. It was never about being boastful but more about being courageous. 

Everything we do externally is an outward expression of an internal condition. Everything we do externally and publically becomes the subject matter for criticism, ridicule, judgment and unfortunately envy. Of course, those who are doing the criticizing, ridiculing, and judging or those who become envious are often times those of whom you know and are closest to you. 

What I have recently discovered, is that when a person (let’s call them a “Creator”) is willing to bare their soul to the world through the artistic expression, the Observer is forced to take a look inward. The Creator becomes as a mirror to the Observer.

Yes! I said it!!!

Most people prefer a mirror that only reflects their outer appearance and will quickly despise the mirror that reflects their inner condition. When the inner condition is revealed, they may think such things as…

“How dare you force me to look at the dormant gifts, talent, and abilities within me.

How dare you challenge me to be courageous.

How dare you insinuate that I am weak.

How dare you point out my shortcomings and my faults.

I work very hard to look good on the outside, so no one (not even me) knows what’s really going on, on the inside.”

And so, because the Observer can’t bear to be exposed, they criticize, judge, and ridicule the Creator. If unchecked, this type of thinking ultimately manifest as envy.

The Observer then decides that the Creator is the one “in error”, “doing too much”, “bragging”, “boasting”, “showing off”, “wants attention”, or “doing extra”. They may even go so far as to say that the Creator is a “Tortured Soul”. 

I say, who is really demonstrating the behavior of a “Tortured Soul”? The Creator who has discovered how to effectively unleash the Soul or Spiritual Inner Being through artistic expression or the one who chooses to stifle theirs?

Now, let’s be clear; artistic expression is not the only way to unleash the Soul. There are countless other ways to express in various areas such as serving, teaching, caring, giving and sharing. Or in diverse occupations and careers. 

The point is this: The Observer may abolish “stinkin thinkin” and envy of the Creator by choosing to do that which they desire to do with passion, authenticity, unapologetically, purposefully, and without expectation or reciprocity. Thereby unleashing the Soul, such that the single most important aspect of that which unites us is no longer hidden, but shining brightly for the entire world to experience!

You see, at the end of the day, good, bad, or indifferent we are a reflection of what we don’t see (at least not with the natural eye). If you can’t see the good in someone else, I expect you can’t see the good in yourself. And any Optometrist will tell you that a human who can’t see is  BLIND!

CeleXy (aka C. Toles-Grayson RN BSN)

SEE & SHINE WITH ME!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-is-2020/201507/7-reasons-why-we-envy-our-friends-and-vice-versa